Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
