I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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