Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
