I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
