Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
