That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is the high leading the old right now
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
