My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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