I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
