you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
