I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
