woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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