remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
