Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
