I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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