were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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