my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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