Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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