i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
