textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
