3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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