Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
