So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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