:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
