I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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