If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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