I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
