imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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