and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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