Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
