I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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