make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
