When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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