So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
