I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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