I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
