my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
