Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I love you. Go after that dick
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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