just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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