I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
