I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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