Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
