You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
