She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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