maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
