So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
