you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i was born a porn star she said
you would pick up someone in the library
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
