is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
