Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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