Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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