i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
