I think my vagina is haunted
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
