he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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