watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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