There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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