Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Success! We fucked roommates!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
