mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
